Ramblings of a Marriage Junkie

Summer lovin’ hits the TV screen …again.

And with the same zeal as a 19th Century carnival sideshow pitchman wooing passerbys to stop and gawk at people with physical deformities and abnormalities, television networks beckon us to show up and watch their 21st Century freak shows that spotlight dysfunctional relationships and bizarre coupling.

Think I’m being too harsh?  Here’s a recap of just a portion of the different shows that have attempted to help men and women find true love.

• If a person needed a date – they went on Love Connection, Elimidate, A Dating Story, Dismissed, The Fifth Wheel, Meet the Parents, Blind Date, or The Dating Game.
• If a person wanted a date that went on and on – they went on Ship Mates.
• If a person wanted to judge the health of their dating relationship – they could go on Change of Heart.
• If a person wanted to test their unmarried relationship - they visited Temptation Island.
• If a person was unsure of their mate’s faithfulness – they turned to Cheaters.
• If a person wants to bypass the dating scene altogether, women can go on The Bachelor, men can go on The Bachelorette, and for the totally demented, they went on Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire.
• If a person wanted their friends and family to pick a mate for them – they went on Married by America or Cupid.
• If a person wanted to avoid basing the relationship on looks but focus on the deeper qualities in a person – they went on Mr. Personality (hosted by Monica Lewinsky – don’t even get me started on that one)!
• If a person wants to end a relationship (and any sense of dignity) – they can go on The Jerry Springer Show.

So what have we learned from these “live” (previously recorded), “candid” (extremely edited), “real-life” (if you sport a $5-million a year lifestyle with mansions, swimming pools and limos), “intimate” (except for the cameras, the sound guy and the show’s host) television shows?

Perfect Dates Don’t Mean Anything – We’ve seen them all: adventure dates, romantic dates, group dates and mystery dates. No matter how much of a physical connection there seems to be on the date, connecting on a mental, emotional and spiritual level matters most if the relationship is going to have much of a future.  Talking about each others’ past experiences, goals and dreams, and values and beliefs will help you determine if this person is “the one” a lot quicker than going out on dream-like dates and continuously pawing all over one another.

Following Your Heart Can Get You Into A Lot of Trouble – On many of the TV shows, feelings trump everything: common sense, parental guidance, friends’ opinions, and doing the right thing.  There was no better example of this than the latest Bachelor (Jason Mesnick) who “followed his heart” to dump Melissa for Molly after he had already “followed his heart” to choose Melissa over Molly. Chasing your feelings can lead you down the boulevard of broken hearts (for you and others). Friends and family can be a great source of objective advice and perspective on mate selection if you allow them to speak directly and candidly. And in most cases, they’re not skewed by feelings that can (and do) lead people to make rotten choices.

Don’t Put Yourself in a Loser-of-a-Relationship – These shows are competitions.  At best, two people may be happy at the show’s finale.  In most cases, no one is. One of the most confusing scenes of the Bachelor series is when the limo leaves with the loser of the rose ceremony.  The brokenhearted woman is either really sad or really mad or both. At some point during the drive, she cries out, “why is this happening to me?” My wife goes crazy when I blurt out, “Because you entered a competition where 24 out of 25 girls get their heart broken. Duh!” In real life, the quest for love and romance can feel like a high-risk competition.  But some people and some relationships have high odds for failure.  Make a wise decision with your head so your heart doesn’t have to be unnecessarily broken.

The grand experiment of finding a soul mate on “Reality” TV has failed miserably. Aside from what seems to be a fluky success story (Trista and Ryan on Bachelorette 1), looking for and finding everlasting relationship bliss as every moment is captured on film has continued to elude the vast majority of the camera-loving seekers of romance.

So, what can a future spouse-in-waiting really do to find true love? 

Be Whole Before Looking for Love: Marriage author, Dr. Les Parrott says, “If you try to build intimacy with one another person before you have done the hard work of getting whole on your own, all your relationships will become an attempt to complete yourself.”  Contrary to the infamous Jerry Maguire quote, no one can or should “complete you.”   A spouse can and does complement your strengths and weaknesses, but they cannot and will not complete you.  Getting whole and being whole is totally on you!

Allow the Relationship to Develop Naturally: Take the time to get to know the other person before getting too physical too quickly. But sexual intimacy can greatly skew one’s objectivity. Is this other person overly dependent or too independent?  Is this relationship safe or abusive?  As a couple, are we in a dysfunctional or healthy relationship?  These questions are easier to answer when the physical relationship has not outpaced the emotional relationship.

Get Prepared Before the “Will You?” and the “I Do!”: There are a number of great resources to help couples make wise and thoughtful decisions as they consider engagement and marriage.  A number of books, courses and online inventories exist to guide couples to prepare for marriage or to discuss marriage. (In fact, my book, Before “I Do” and an online inventory on my website, The Couples Checkup, have helped thousands of engaged and seriously dating couples prepare to take their relationship to the next level).  Many churches and counselors offer premarital programs through mentoring, small groups and classes. (Here’s a list of some premarital programs that may be in your area.)

So here we go.  Another summer of setting our Tivos to capture “the most bizarre and freakish dating and mating habits on planet earth!”  (There’s a brand new show, Hitched or Ditched – read a review on this winner!)

While we laugh, wince, gawk and then chat about what we see on the screen, I’m ready to call the grand experiment of finding true love and/or getting to the altar on TV a dismal failure!  How about you?

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K. Jason Krafsky is the author of Before “I Do” – Preparing for the Full Marriage Experience (Turn the Tide Resource Group – www.FullMarriageExperience.com). As a marriage junkie, Jason supports his habit by training leaders on marriage issues, writing articles and books on marriage and family relationships, coaching communities, churches, and ministries on marriage strengthening strategies, and teaching couples about relationship issues (check out his blog at www.MarriageJunkie.com). Jason’s ultimate fix comes from his wife Kelli. They live in the foothills of Washington’s Cascade Mountains with their four children. Contact him at kjasonk@fullmarriageexperience.com, Twitter (marriagejunkie), or Facebook.

Copyright © 2009 K. Jason Krafsky – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper source citation.